It was New Years Day, January 1st 2020, and I was on my cell phone talking with my mother. We were having a very pleasant conversation until I started talking about the MTHFR gene mutation. This is a gene mutation that I had tested positive for a few years back. It predisposes me to a host of health issues including mood disorders, joint pain, migraines and difficulties detoxing toxins out of my body just to name a few. I had discovered that I was homozygous a1298c. Homozygous means that I inherited the gene mutation from both of my parents. However, when I initially told my mother that she had the gene mutation, she became pretty upset. She did not believe me. The doctor had to be wrong and the test had to be fake. I suppose it may be difficult for her to accept certain criticisms. Although this information was not supposed to be a criticism...more like a fact!
Anyway, every so often I bring up this gene mutation in conversation with my mother, not to upset her but to help her to understand some of her health issues. She seems to take it the wrong way sometimes though... and on New Year's day this was exactly what occurred! I was explaining how the MTHFR gene mutation has affected me mentally and physically. My mother starts to chime in saying that the gene mutation is not the reason I am so messed up. I am really messed up because I was abused as a child.
Yes, I recall childhood abuse. I am very aware that I was physically, but more so mentally and emotionally abused. But this was not what my mother was referring to. She was angry. She has been angry for a very long time. And I used to be angry too... because I was picking up this anger from my mother throughout my entire childhood. My mother went on to state some things that she's told me in the past on quite a few occasions. One of my male relatives (or one of his friends) had taken some photos of me. The photos were not good. They were pornographic in nature. My mother seems to believe that I was sexually abused. I, however, do not remember these photos being taken of me, nor do I recall any sexual abuse.
So my mom angrily continues her rant about my sexual abuse. She says, “One day when I'm dead and gone, you''ll probably be 50 years old or so and you'll suddenly remember what happened.” Supposedly, upon remembering, I will finally understand why I'm so messed up. And perhaps I'll also be angry as I should be. My mom was convinced. It's not the gene mutation... All of my problems... my lifetime of health problems is because I was abused as a child. Again, yes, I am aware that there was abuse... but I wasn't aware of any abuse whatsoever by a male family member. I knew about the photos, but just because these photos were taken doesn't mean that there was actual physical sexual abuse.
So I slip up now and start to feel a little emotional. I get all caught up in this negative conversation. So I start asking questions. But I'm not getting any solids answers. There is absolutely no proof that I was sexually molested or assaulted as a child. The only proof is some pornographic photos that I've never seen nor do I care to see. I do not remember any sexual abuse and truth be told, I really don't care. I don't care to know and I don't care to remember. I didn't want to feel emotional nor did I want to feel angry or upset in any way. But my mother was obviously upset... and what I think hurt me more than anything is that she wanted me to be upset. At least I believe she wanted me to be upset or angry or hateful towards this male relative (and/or his friend) who took the photos.
When I saw that the conversation was actually going no where, and that I was simply picking up negative angry energy I decided it was time to hang up. But I was left affected. I wasn't upset about any sexual abuse or photos taken so many years ago. I was disturbed at how angry my mother was and how it appeared that she wanted me to be angry too. She wanted me to be upset. What is the purpose in this? Why would it be beneficial for me to remember such an abuse? And why would it be beneficial for me to be upset about such supposed abuse. I pondered this for a while. Perhaps as they say... Misery loves company.
After analyzing the phone conversation with my mother I decided to email her a message. I had hoped that this message would finally put an end to her bringing up this miserable topic in conversation. Afterall, why should I have to hear about being sexually abused over and over again. How is this helping me? And so my message read, “I was just thinking... these supposed horrible things that happened to me as a child... sexual molestation and photos that I may one day remember or not... well, the feeling I get is that maybe you need to try to let this go. Forgive and move on...No one is perfect. Holding on to anger can be more damaging to a person than the actual event that may or may not have taken place. I already forgive... whether or not something happened. I forgive you and my dad. Parents are human just like everyone else. I am not upset nor do I plan to ever become upset if certain memories should ever come to the surface. Perhaps it's time for you to not be upset too. I gave you a selenite crystal ball once. You should try holding it sometimes. It clears away negative thoughts and feelings. Regardless of what may have happened in the past or what may happen in the future... it's our responsibility to heal ourselves in the now. Time doesn't exist and this life is an illusion. Try to let things go and just be happy in the now.” My mother wrote back to me, “Happy New Year!” And that was the end of it!
Yes, misery does love company... but misery is gonna have to look elsewhere. Cause me... I'm on a whole other vibration! Misery is not going to find any good company with me! The energy on this planet is shifting at an enormous rate right now. We are all evolving spiritually. The time has come to let go of pain, sadness, anger, fears and other negative emotions. It's time to let go of the heaviness... It's time to let go of the past. It's time to become lighter. It's time to take control of our thoughts, feelings, emotions and consciousness! The dark side will not have it's way with me. Forgive, forget and move forward into love! Here's to a positive, forgiving, happy & peaceful new & improved you in the New Year! With light and love... let's all move into this beautiful new reality together!
Jennie Haiman is a Reiki Master Energy Healer, Co-Founder of Self Saviorz Society California Non-Profit 501(c)(3), Poet, Author and Entertainer with goals to help raise the vibration and consciousness of humanity!