So Who Can You Trust? Early Lessons in Lies, Deception and Ultimate Truth
As we enter into the shadow phase of the astrological phenomenon known as Mercury Retrograde, I can't help but be reminded of my past and how my experiences, especially childhood experiences, have influenced my perception of this reality. At the tender age of four years old my mother decided to separate from my father. In what appeared to happen in the blink of an eye, my father was kicked out of our apartment only to be seen on the weekends. After my father left, my living situation became a bit unstable, volatile and unpredictable. My mother was dealing with quite a bit of anger and stress, which seemed to be directed at me a lot of the time.
Soon after my father left I experienced a terrible asthma attack. Upon returning home from the hospital my beloved cat was missing. After many failed attempts to feed my missing cat (Goofy was her name by the way) and probing my mother endlessly with questions about Goofy's whereabouts, my mother finally caved and admitted to me that Goofy went to cat heaven. Being that I am super intuitive and empathic, although this was my first experience with death, I somehow completely understood what had taken place. My mother had euthanized my cat Goofy due to my asthma attack. I was devastated. I broke down and cried ofcourse. It was a very painful moment for me. Perhaps my mother didn't quite understand how attached to Goofy I really was. So my father was gone, only to be visited on the weekends, after which my cat was gone, never to be seen again. These are the earliest memories of loss and mourning that I can recall. And so began my programmed pattern of distrust.
I have a very clear early childhood memory of being lied to by a group of adults. I was perhaps 3 or 4 years old? I don't recall. But I was able to talk. I was taking some type of “introduction to the swimming pool” class. This may have actually been my first experience with a swimming pool. There were quite a few young children and adults in this class. I do not remember my mother or father being there though. The children were being led up a ladder onto a diving board where they would jump off the board and land in the water at which point an adult would safely catch them. I believe some of the children were getting pushed off the board. I did not wish to participate in this activity, however the adults continued trying to coerce me onto the diving board. I explained to one adult that I would walk up the ladder to the diving board, but I did not wish to jump in the water nor did I wish to be pushed off the board. The adult agreed, and although I had my doubtful suspicions about this agreement, I decided to have some faith in this adult and I trustingly walked up the ladder and onto the plank. I stared down at the water. Many adults were in the water and it appeared that one was waiting to catch me. I was getting ready to turn around and walk back to the ladder at which point the adult who promised me that I didn't have to go into the water pushed me off the diving board. I went under water for a moment but was caught by an adult. Thank goodness I did not develop a fear of water after this event! But what I did develop was a distrust for adults... and perhaps a distrust for people in general. I might also add a distrust in authority figures, for these adults were the trusted authorities of this swimming pool class. I learned at that moment that people will lie to you, make agreements that they won't keep and think nothing of it... especially if they view you as a subordinate. A great lesson indeed actually! I learned a lot from this experience.
My first best girl friend stopped talking to me in the 2nd grade because of a disagreement between our mothers. We had been friends since nursery school. Another best friend in elementary school moved away right after we became best friends. One day my mother's boyfriend (Jim was his name), who I truly enjoyed and appreciated as a person, disappeared from our lives forever never to be seen again. I was 10 or 11 years old at the time? My mother didn't want to marry him and so he just left. As I recall, he didn't even say goodbye to me. My mother was heartbroken and barely ate any food for months. She lost a lot of weight. I was okay because at this point I had learned not to get attached to anyone. I suppose I expected Jim to leave at some point anyway. So I was not surprised.
Before Jim left though, he gave me a gift that was extremely meaningful. At the age of 10 he brought home a kitten. I named her Sara. Sara was very therapeutic for me. I felt that I could trust Sara. Yes, people will hurt you, leave you, lie to you and ultimately disappoint you. But Sara... she would never hurt me...except that one time that I rubbed a spanish olive on my lips and let her lick it off. She unexpectedly took a bite out of my lips. Ouch! Lesson learned!
I've experienced many more early life disappointments, lies, deception and loss as is likely when disappointment, lies and loss becomes expected. Thus is the law of attraction. I had become programmed not to trust anyone. I had developed quite a bit of physical and mental health problems as well. Mood disorder runs in my family, but ofcourse, trauma will also bring about mood disorders. I was experiencing depression, anger, irritability and major stress. I was well aware that I couldn't trust anyone... except perhaps for cats and other innocent creatures. So perhaps in a world full of lies and deception, at the very least I could trust myself right? But that is actually incorrect as well! I personally could not be trusted because my own negative thought patterns and programming would often lead me astray. I've had many emotional outbursts and meltdowns which have destroyed quite a few situations and relationships for me. I was highly unbalanced and easily affected by other people's energies and the foods and drinks I consumed. For years I didn't even realize that I was an empath... I was seriously struggling. I was at a loss... No one could be trusted including myself!
But something miraculous did occur! There was an energy running through me that was helping me conquer all of this... One could say this energy is my higher self... or the divine spirit... qi energy, prana, life force energy... or simply... God! The challenges I had experienced, although torturous and traumatic at times, had actually led me on the path of a spiritual awakening. My third eye and intuition has always been very active. I could always feel when a situation or person was a threat or dangerous. And I always seemed to know exactly what to say or do to remedy a potentially hazardous situation. I believe something has always been guiding me. And although many of my thoughts and emotions could not be trusted... My intuition/ higher self was a whole other force to be reckoned with. I went on to change my diet, meditate, reprogram my thoughts with positive affirmations (auto-suggestion), become a Reiki Master energy healer... and ultimately experience a spiritual rebirth of conscious evolution and healing of the mind, body and spirit.
I am not upset about any of the traumatic experiences I've experienced. In fact, I am grateful for all the wonderful challenges that have been thrown my way... for without them I would not be the amazing being that I am today. I probably wouldn't be writing these articles, nor would I have the capacity and compassion to help so many people (and animals). I am truly grateful. Yes, it's true, I still do not trust people... people are not to be trusted... afterall, humans lie, deceive, disappear and do other terrible things... The world is not to be trusted. Politicians are not to be trusted. The media is not to be trusted... Authority figures are not to be trusted. I am not saying that all people are bad dishonest terrible people. I have met many wonderful people. But people are still people! And unless they've unplugged from this chaotic energy field that has enveloped our planet, and seriously evolved consciously... even at this illustrious juncture, people are still humans and still make human mistakes! We cannot escape the human condition while living in a human body, as much as we may try. People will still hurt other people and make mistakes, whether purposely or inadvertently. Although in the end, I think we actually hurt ourselves. It's not for us to point blame at another person, because the reality is that we should all take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Basically, I'm at the point in my journey where you may purposely try to hurt me and I will not be upset or get hurt... but instead I will forgive you and then walk away.
No, I am not upset with people... I am not upset with this world... I am not upset with anything. I have no expectations... and without expectations there can be no disappointments! In reality I always knew who could be trusted and who couldn't... But I learned that it doesn't matter... because in the end... I can trust in the universe... a higher power, an infinite intelligence that runs through me and everything else that exists.... I trust that there is a divine plan and that everything happens for a reason. I believe that even now, with the chaos that we are all collectively experiencing worldwide through this covid-19 pandemic, that this is ultimately all happening for a divine reason... Perhaps to help us all evolve consciously and prepare us for the next season that is upon us... The Age of Aquarius! The age of enlightenment and the age of information! There is always a blessing in the curse! Once you can see the blessing... reality gets much easier to deal with! Til next time... Stay safe... And trust your intuition! It's there for a reason! Peace and blessings!
Jennie H is a Reiki Master Energy Healer, Co-Founder of Self Saviorz Society California Non-Profit 501(c)(3), Poet, Author and Entertainer with goals to help raise the vibration and consciousness of humanity!