Dear Loved One... You've Wronged Me But I Forgive You!
A few days ago I experienced a Mercury Retrograde meltdown and wrote the following...
After engaging in a liquid fast for approximately 3 days and then practicing silence for 2 days, I decided to write you this letter. There are quite a few things I wish to say to you that are best not said over the phone, in person or by text. The easiest way to express myself is by writing a letter. I hope you will actually read this and comprehend it. I'd like to start out by saying that you may not like some of the things that I have to say to you and this letter may hurt your feelings, but regardless I believe it's time for me to express these thoughts. I would also like to state that I do not blame you for anything and I take full responsibility for my own life. With that in mind, I often wonder if my inability to be successful in life up until this point (at least in a financial/ material sense) has ultimately been influenced by your negative programming.
For as long as I can remember you've been calling me stupid, dumb bunny and other insulting, disrespectful and demeaning terms. Whenever I've expressed my own individual creative thoughts or beliefs that are in opposition to your thoughts and beliefs, you've told me that I am dumb or stupid. You've been yelling and cursing at me for years. You were physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child and you are still to this day emotionally, spiritually and energetically abusive to me over the phone, in text messages and in email messages,... and in person when I visit or when you visit me! You are also super negative, pessimistic and your energy appears to be detrimental to anything positive that I wish to achieve in life.
I find it odd that every time I am about to manifest anything positive in life or achieve any goals or dreams, as soon as I tell you about it, this positive thing simply disappears. Anything and everything I've ever wanted to manifest has completely malfunctioned and turned to dust when spoken of to you. Once again I am not placing the blame on you for my lack of success in life (up until this point that is...there's still time for me to be successful of course.) I've just stating what I've noticed. If anything, it's really my fault for continuing to disclose to you my plans knowing the effect that you have on them. Instead of being encouraging and telling me that you believe in me, you've often advised me to marry rich, as if this is the only chance I have of being successful (living off of some wealthy man's money.) This allows me to understand that you really have no faith in me at all. I do realize that there have been many negative influences in my life, but you appear to be the first and primary negative influence (at least in this physical reality.) Ofcourse I must've thought you into my existence, or thought myself into your existence before this incarnation, so in the end I am still fully responsible for this manifested reality.
I believe I have some type of understanding as to why you treat me the way you do. Perhaps this all stems from your relationship with my dad. Perhaps deep down you hate him. And part of me is my dad! I look like him a bit, and I remind you of him on a certain level. Then there's the fact that I didn't turn out to be the child you expected. It doesn't help that you never wanted to have kids in the first place. But I think you believed that if you did have a kid it would be loving and affectionate and attached to you and never leave home and take care of you forever.
I'm sorry that I didn't turn out to be the child you were expecting me to be. I am not cuddly, affectionate or very loving- at least not towards you. But then again, when a person gets yelled at, physically attacked, cursed out, disrespected and called dumb all the time should you really expect them to be cuddly, affectionate and loving in response? Should you expect an abused child to stick around and take care of you for the rest of your life... and continue getting abused?
There's quite a few reasons that I moved away across the country and never moved back, but one of the major reasons is because of the way you've treated me. I believe that your negativity is a crippling component of my life, and if you were not my ****** who I unconditionally love no matter what your faults are, I would cease all contact with you. Now don't get me wrong- I am not saying that you are a bad person. I believe that you are an inherently good person and that on a certain level you really do wish the best for me. But if I were to be successful in life, than how should you expect me to drop everything and come back to New York to take care of you in your old age? Is it possible that you are subconsciously (or even consciously) sabotaging all of my efforts to be successful and financially free due to your own selfish motives of getting me back to New York to live with you? Your energy can be harsh and draining and sickening at times. If I were to move back and live with you I would be harming myself in the worst way. Living in New York with you would be spiritual suicide for me. That's why I moved away! To save myself!
Now I realize that I've said a lot of things in this letter that may have made you feel bad. Please know that this is not my intention. My intention is to enlighten you to your negative ways which are affecting me adversely and likely affecting other people in your life adversely as well. Many times you seem to be overcome with hatred, worry, fear, unhappiness, anger and regret. Nobody in their right mind who cares about themself would want to be immersed in this type of damaging energy for longer than necessary. I'm telling you all this to help you (and me and our relationship) because if I didn't care about you (or how you affect my energy) I would just remain silent.
In last week's Torah portion, "Acharei-kedoshim", speaks of honoring and fearing one's mother and father. It also states "You shall rise before the white haired; and honor the face of the old man." I am trying my best but it is very difficult when I am being disrespected and mistreated all the time. This Torah portion also speaks of rebuking your fellow. "You shall not hate your brother in your heart; rebuke, rebuke your fellow, but do not incur a sin on his account." "If a person is wronged by another, he should not hate him and remain silent." "One who sees that his fellow has sinned or is following an improper path, it is a mitzvah to bring him back to the proper path and to inform him that he sins by his bad actions." "Whoever has the ability to rebuke and does not do so shares in the guilt for the sin, since he could have prevented it." "One who is wronged by his fellow but does not desire to rebuke him or speak to him about it at all because the offender is a very coarse person, or a disturbed person, but chooses instead to forgive him in his heart, bearing him no grudge, nor rebuking him, this is the manner of the pious." "The Torah's objection (to remaining silent) is only when he harbors animosity."
***, I forgive you in my heart but I must also rebuke you. Perhaps I can help you change your ways and become a better person? A happy person? It is never too late! Since I realize that after 70 + years it may be quite difficult for you to change, I've come up with a programming strategy to help both of us. From now on, the very moment you become negative, condescending, abusive, disrespectful, start talking badly about myself or others, or complaining, I am taking at least a 3 day (72 hour) break from all conversations with you- phone calls, texts and emails. Likewise, I too will stop complaining and speaking negatively in phone conversations, text messages and email. Perhaps we can both overcome our negative tendencies and begin to communicate in a more peaceful, respectful, and harmonious manner. I do hope so, otherwise I will be forced to take further action to protect my energy. But I have faith that things can and will change for the better!
Furthermore, I do realize that you are dealing with a gene mutation, mood disorder and addiction issues which poses a great challenge to your (our) progress, however I believe it is possible to overcome these obstacles. I have overcome quite a bit myself. Nothing is impossible. I have found the supplements L-Tyrosine, L-Theanine, Curcumin, COQ10, Selenium, NAC and Mucuna Pruriens quite effective in improving my mood. You may wish to try these or a different combination of mood boosting supplements. A natural psychiatrist can provide you with a urinalysis and supplements that match your results. This may be something to try in the near future. You may also wish to share/ discuss this letter with your therapist.
I suggest trying something that will help you to become a happy more positive person. This will inevitably help both of us!
* In the end I just couldn't bring myself to mail this letter. I think it could cause more harm then good. My *** already feels bad enough. She knows what she's done. And I have rebuked her already on several occasions. I doubt she will ever read this article. She has way more important things to do then follow my blog. And if she did read the article, she would probably stop after the first few sentences and complain that it's way too long. Anyway, I forgive her. Maybe that's all that really matters? And I'll probably send her some supplements soon.... Maybe that will help? Til next time... Rebuke, Rebuke, Forgive and Move On... It's best not to stay angry or hold a grudge!
Jennie H is a Reiki Master Energy Healer, Co-Founder of Self Saviorz Society California Non-Profit 501(c)(3), Poet, Author and Entertainer with goals to help raise the vibration and consciousness of humanity!