A Few Trying Weeks Leads to Silence
The past few weeks, and especially the past week or so, has been a particularly difficult time for me... Yes, there was a full moon... and I was premenstrual. My period ended up being a terrible one! That never helps! However, it seems to me that people everywhere have been going insane... which could very well be a key factor in the struggle for me to maintain my own personal sanity! I've actually heard that we've all been getting beamed with CERN! And that the vaccinated and empathic have really been getting hit hard. My friend's twenty something year old daughter couldn't leave her home for the past week and a half. Now she's on xanax and doing much better! FYI I do not recommend pharmaceuticals or psychotropic drugs to anyone... even if they do help sometimes!
Then again... Approximately 6 weeks ago my best guy friend/ spiritual mentor moved in his 6 year old daughter and presented me with the official title of stepmother! Everything seemed nice at first... I was in the sweet honey moon phase... High on Generator (Human Design) energy.... My step daughter is a generator and I am a Splenic Projector... The Dad is a Manifestor and we are all Pisces.... All was well... and then I started to suffocate... and lose my mind a bit... and now as I ponder the last few weeks it appears to me that a lot of things have started to go wrong since this lovely little girl (with many emotional/ spiritual issues) permanently moved into my apartment with me!
Approximately 2 weeks ago I attended an indoor hot springs in LA to perform my monthly mikvah ritual. Yes, I got there late (as usual)... but all I do is say a prayer... dip for a moment, rinse off fast and leave. The woman working there must've not remembered me. As I started to quietly recite my mikvah prayer this worker interrupted me with the most disrespectful tone warning me that I had to go into the hot springs immediately because they were closing soon. I reminded her that I had to say my prayer first but she just wouldn't leave me alone. I had to explain to her about 3 times that I had a prayer to recite first. Then she walked away disgruntled! Her energy was terrible. Finally after a moment of saying my prayer I stepped into the hot springs at which point this lady started making all types of horrible loud noises. The first noise sounded like a massive vacuum cleaner. Then it sounded like she was throwing large hollow objects (like garbage cans?) on the floor. The immense sound was echoing throughout the tiny hot springs room! This lady appeared to be making all of this commotion on purpose out of anger and frustration. It was the worst hot springs experience ever! There was definitely something very wrong with this lady. She was usually friendly towards me. When I was done dipping in the hot springs I overheard her arguing with another hot spring's customer about taking a shower. Unbelievable! Customer service was at an all time low that evening!
Ever since my last laptop died I decided to start going to the public library to use the computer instead. Going to the library helps me to get out of the apartment and limit my time on the computer. The library is like a peaceful oasis for me. I go to a really nice one and I look forward to going almost every day. However, recently, almost everyday there is someone screaming or cursing at the library! Mind you, there are many homeless (quite a few mentally ill) that use the public library as a shelter during these sweltering hot summer days in LA. But I don't think all of the people going crazy have been homeless. Last week I had to briefly use my cell phone at the library while on the computer. I thought I was being extra quiet and polite, however the guy sitting next to me practically exploded at me out of nowhere. Instead of responding, I put my hand in there air in an attempt to block his belligerent energy, and then I turned the other way to quietly finish my conversation. I find that verbal responses on my part often make things worse. The man immediately got out of his seat to complain to the library security about me. I could feel his intense energy running through me as he walked behind my seat and it gave me anxiety. At that moment I knew that I had to leave the library. Thankfully I was done with my work. However I walked up to the confused security guards and told them that the man that complained to them was acting belligerent towards me and so I just decided to get up and leave the library.
Last weekend my best guy friend (father of my new step daughter) somehow managed to get himself detained overnight at a police station near Pasadena. I explain the whole crazy story in a recent article I posted titled: Racial Profiling At Its Finest- It's Lawsuit Time You Racist Coppers! Talk about a terrible Shabbat! It didn't help that my bank accounts went into the negatives a few times over the past few days. That alone can bring on a great deal of stress... I experienced two negative interactions with one of the ladies who works at my step daughter's new daycare center. Both interactions gave me massive anxiety.... And arguments at home were at an all time high last week! I was doing a lot of angry screaming which was making me feel terrible. I started to feel like I was having a nervous breakdown. I was feeling like I was being constantly disrespected in my own home. My apartment became a prison to me that I desperately sought to escape. I think what hurt me the most was how reactive I was becoming. I was turning into a person that I didn't want to be. I was having escapist suicidal thoughts. I didn't want this life anymore. I was ready to leave... Move out or permanently leave my physical body. Ofcourse, there's no need for alarm folks... I can't go anywhere... My 3 cats need me to open their cans of "din din" for them twice a day! Thank goodness for my 3 beautiful cats! Some days they have been my only reason for getting out of bed at all!
Speaking of my cats... Amazon was supposed to deliver a case of cat food to me on Thursday. Supposedly the package was delivered to me but I never received it. So I had to call amazon customer service and get the cat food resent. Meanwhile I was completely out of cat food so I had to travel to the local pet store and spend even more money on another case of cat food! I was supremely annoyed! Long story short... 2 days later one of my neighbors knocked on my door. She had received my package by accident! Ok, great, so now I had more cat food. But come on amazon staff... you need to get the apartment number right! I know I know, I've got to go easy on these guys... They go through enough torment working as slave labor for amazon!
Seems like everything was off! My mood was off...my finances were off and my timing was off! I wanted to read my step daughter a book before she went to bed every night, but every night it seemed like I just didn't have enough time to do anything. I would end up sitting at the table eating dinner when my step daughter was going to bed and so I couldn't read her a book! I could feel a bit of disappointment coming off of her in regards to my bad timing and inability to read her a book and tuck her in at night. So one day last week I decided to do things differently. I purchased a really nice organic meal for my step daughter in advance so I wouldn't have to prepare anything for her. (FYI She barely touched her healthy expensive meal which particularly annoyed me!) I ate dinner early and I skipped my ancestor offering. I was doing great with time! Then all of a sudden when I'm just about to read a book to my step daughter, her father steps in, hands her a tablet and tells me I can't read to her that night! Could you imagine my anger! So we argued for a very long time (I was doing all the screaming) while our daughter fell asleep listening to her tablet at a very high volume with her ear plugs in. I'm not going to go into all of the details of the father's reasoning for not allowing me to read our daughter a book... but I will say this... It was stupid! And also a miscommunication. (Is it Mercury Retrograde yet? Feels like it! I think were actually almost in the shadow phase)
And at that point I had had enough! I told her dad (my best friend and spiritual mentor of approx. 18 years) that he needs to start doing everything I've been doing for our daughter himself. You wake her, get her dressed and take her to daycare... You pick her up, feed her, make sure she showers, brushes her teeth and get her ready for bed. I'm done! Because obviously you have no respect for me or my opinions or my feelings at all! Yeah, I'm the step mother... but that's just a title you gave me. I'm really an unpaid babysitter and I've had enough of everything! If I can't be treated as an equal...If this is going to be a one sided tyrannical household ruled by you... then I just can't be part of this arrangement anymore. I even told him he should move out!
So around 3:30am my friend wakes me up to tell me that he's moving to Arizona with our daughter. I couldn't go back to sleep for around 2 hours. I ended up praying, meditating and sending reiki distance healing to the whole situation. When I finally woke up my friend apologized... said he wasn't moving to Arizona with our daughter... but nothing really changed! And by Friday things got even worse. Friday night is my Shabbat night! If you read my articles then you already know! Our 6 year old daughter loves observing Shabbat with me, which I really don't quite understand... but for some reason she really takes to the Hebrew prayers. Anyway, my friend/ her dad leaves for hours and I end up feeding and putting our daughter to bed. No big deal I suppose. Things were okay that evening. I read our daughter 4 books and then lied down next to her for a while. I may have fell asleep for a moment... a terrible thing for a Projector (in Human Design) to do! When I finally left her bed to go to my own bed I had trouble falling asleep and I didn't sleep well at all that night.
The next morning I was having a particularly difficult time getting out of bed (because I didn't sleep well). I left my bedroom and noticed that my step daughter was camping out on the floor in the hallway near my bedroom watching her tablet (with ear plugs in). Not as bad as last time when I opened the curtain to my bedroom (yes, I have a curtain... not a door!) and she was sitting on a stool right next to my curtain watching her tablet (in front of the litterbox closet... a terrible location to be sitting at... God forbid the cats have to use the litterbox!) Yes, this little girl loves me... and she's trying to get as close to me as possible... but the clinginess has become a bit too claustrophobic for me to deal with. Yes, she just lost her mother... and now I'm her new mother... But it's overwhelming to say the very least. I made the mistake of allowing my step daughter to meditate and pray with me that morning. It's great that she wants to engage in spiritual activities with me, but I really need that morning time to myself! The rest of the day was horrendous!
I took my step daughter with me to retrieve a package from the package locker by the leasing office. We ran into one of her little girl friends/ our neighbor at the apartment complex. It was the little girl, her little brother and the father. They had set up a lemonade stand and offered us some lemonade. I said, "Thank you", but asked if there was any sugar in the lemonade. Perhaps I had a weird energy about it? I hope not. I'm just very careful about what I ingest. FYI This neighbor and his whole family are overweight. They are obviously not eating correctly. The lemonade was organic but had sugar in it so I had to decline. My step daughter grabbed a whole cup of lemonade which I shouldn't have allowed her to do, but I was trying to be polite with the neighbor. Anyway, the father said that my step daughter could spend the day at the lemonade stand with his daughter. I let her stay there for a moment while I retrieved my package. When I returned I took out some nuts and offered them to the girls to feed the squirrels. That's when things went sour!
The father immediately says, "I don't think you should be feeding the squirrels. A squirrel walked up to my son and almost attacked him the other day." Then his little daughter, maybe 7 or 8 years old, chimes in giving me a whole speech about how squirrels are wild animals and we shouldn't be feeding them because....etc etc etc." I became claustrophobic. I felt bombarded and trapped by their beratement. It was an attack on my energy. I was angry and overwhelmed with anxiety. My ears went deaf with rage. If you had read one of my recent articles, "Some People Have Nothing Better to Do Than Complain!", you would understand the basis for my anger. Basically, there's a bunch of neighbors at my building that have nothing better to do than complain about the people who feed the squirrels. Apparently this neighbor was one of the complainers. I was ready to explode. How dare this a**hole and his young bossy daughter even try to tell me what I should or shouldn't do! I was being very polite when I turned down the lemonade. I didn't say, "Hey, your whole family is morbidly obese and shouldn't be drinking sugary drinks." I didn't say that. So how dare you tell me that I shouldn't be feeding the squirrels at my building where I pay very high rent! He said the squirrel almost attacked his son! Come on my dude! These squirrels have not attacked anyone... and they were not going to attack your little son either! What a Douchebag! Anyway, in an angry tone I simply stated," I do not agree with what you are saying but I am not going to stand here and argue with you about it." I told my step daughter to come with me so we could ask her father if she could be at the lemonade stand. And we marched away! Perhaps I overreacted? But with everything that's been going on in my life lately tensions were at an all time high!
I was absolutely livid at this point... so it didn't help that when we got back to our apartment my step daughter refused to take her shoes off. So I said, "Give me that lemonade." She was still holding it in her hand. She wouldn't let go of the cup. Finally I grabbed a hold of it and spilled it out into the sink. There was really way too much sugar in the drink for her to ingest anyway. However her disobedience warranted me spilling it out. But it gets worse! Now this sad/ angry child is told by her father to be good and listen to everything I say because he has to leave for an hour (which turned out to be 5-6 hours). The whole rest of the day my step daughter did whatever she could do (and get away with) to annoy the h*ll out of me. I'm not going to go into all the details. This article is getting a bit long... But at one point I overheard my step daughter talking with her dolls and one of her dolls said that she hated me. That was a bit shocking I have to admit... and I really didn't want to deal with her after hearing that conversation. My beautiful day of rest was ruined! When her father returned later on I was done! Seriously done! He knew it too... We had been texting! He immediately took our daughter out of the apartment to spend some time outside away from me. The next couple of hours were heavenly. And I started to feel better again!
I explained to my good friend/ mentor/ father of our daughter that he cannot be leaving our daughter with me alone for longer than 2-3 hours at a time and never ever leave her alone with me for many hours on Shabbat... My day of rest! Never leave her with me for hours on Friday night and then more hours on Saturday! I cannot do two days in a row alone with her. I'm sorry... but I am very sensitive and I have to implement strict boundaries so I don't go insane and become the worst stepmother ever. I've already been snapping and yelling too much. Just yelling at all is too much! I don't want to even have to raise my voice. It's so draining for me. I don't want to continue being the bad guy. This guy has already ruined two Shabbats in a row for me. My one day of the week where I can really take a break, read and rest has now become a nightmare for me! Our daughter needs to go outside and play with other kids... not get stuck in the apartment with me all day on Shabbat!
When Shabbat ended something weird happened... I was reborn. Saturday night I started listening to my Attunements to Higher Consciousness Audio #12: Onyichium. "This attunement allows one to tune into the aspect of Self that is Source. Each of us has a presence in the Source. This presence creates our arms and legs, body, mind and soul. Our Divine Parents utilize the presence to coordinate our very existence. As such, we are totally unaware of this aspect of Self. It is our purest and Highest Creative Energy. Onyichium allows us to consciously commune with and experience this level of Self." For some unknown reason I accidentally listened to attunement #13 that night as well while I was asleep. Attunement #13 "The Primordia is the sound energy that causes divine power to spring forth in all of us. It is the sound that creates the spark. Proper use of The Primordia enables one to draw energy and power directly from sound. It may over time mitigate the need for food, water, and air." Something powerful was brewing. These were the last two attunements in the Attunements to Higher Consciousness Audio package. It took me a few months to get to this point!
When I woke up the next morning I had no desire to talk anymore. I had no energy to talk anymore. I went into silence. With the exception of quietly reciting my prayers and saying small things in a whisper...or making little noises to my cats or to the bees... I was silent. Our daughter never witnessed me practicing silence before. I don't think she ever witnessed anyone practicing silence. But she knew something had changed. She knew I had enough. Her father was tip toeing around me and making sure our daughter was tip toeing around me as well. I had reached the brink of my sanity. There was no where else to go but inward. I was finally receiving the respect and space that I so desperately needed. I was on my schedule... Not our daughter's schedule... Not the father's schedule.... My schedule!... and I refused to talk!
That day I walked down to my car to drive to the farmers market by myself. I usually take my step daughter with me but I just quietly left the apartment without her. To my dismay my car wouldn't start, which is a typical issue that I've been dealing with... However, my jump starter wouldn't work either! My jump starter needed to be recharged! That's the first time this ever happened to me. So I ended up walking to the farmers market in the blistering heat. It felt like 100 degrees out but I think I needed to walk... I needed to get grounded. I was wearing my earthing shoes! I was also wearing my "Practicing Silence" sign so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. After all the hardships I had experienced I was surprised that there were still some eggs left for me to buy. The eggs I purchase usually sell out fast. On my way back from the farmers market I sat down under a big beautiful tree next to a church and I started to cry. It felt so peaceful being out of the apartment... away from all the chaos! I looked above my head and there were 3 crows sitting on branches high above me. It was so surreal. I felt like I had left earth for a moment and was visiting a heavenly dimension. The energy was so amazing. I finally got up and walked home. I continued my day in silence... and thankfully my friend took our daughter out of the apartment again so I could experience more peace at home.
That evening, Sunday night, our daughter asked me to read her a book. I pointed to my lips and moved them around in silence. I was telling her without talking... "I cannot talk. I have gone into the silence." She understood. We gave each other a hug... and she fell asleep watching her tablet... I wish she never got hooked on that tablet! I won't even touch a tablet. The energy is horrendous! But that's a whole other story. As usual I placed an earthing mat under her feet and made sure the orgonite and shungite pyramid were near her head next to the bed. That's the best I could do!
On Monday and Tuesday I didn't see my step daughter at all. I purposely woke up after she left to daycare and I purposely came back home after she went to sleep. But I became worried that she may have thought I abandoned her. She does have abandonment issues for sure! And when I found out that she asked her dad if I hated her I felt terrible. Thank goodness he told her No. But at that point I felt like I had to show my face again. So on Wednesday, right before publishing this article, I drove with her father to pick her up from daycare. I still wasn't talking, but I whispered a little. She looked happy to see me. I gave her a hug. Her dad explained to her that I haven't been feeling well and that I can't talk. Then when I dropped them off at home before going to the library, my step daughter stayed in the car a little longer with me. She didn't want me to leave. She told me that she loved me and she kissed my hand a few times. I whispered, "I love you too." Then I gave her a hug and a few little kisses on her face. It felt good to know that she knew that I was still there for her...even in my tortured state of silence!
I've actually made quite a few discoveries during my last 4 days in silence. In my silence I started to piece the puzzle together. Sometimes one must quiet the mind and step out and away from a situation to really see what's going on! Perhaps my next article will explain what I figured out... we'll see!
Life... With all it's challenges and complexities... It has pushed me to this point... To this beautiful point of silence. I no longer have the energy for words. I no longer wish to speak. I have nothing more to say. My silence speaks for itself. The great thing about silence is... even if you get angry you can't yell! It becomes way more difficult to be reactive! In the great words of Depeche Mode "Words are very unnecessary, They can only do harm."
Jennie H is a Reiki Master Energy Healer, Co-Founder of Self Saviorz Society California Non-Profit 501(c)(3), Poet, Author and Entertainer with goals to help raise the vibration and consciousness of humanity!